Terms and Agreements
by GravyCraver
Summary: Stan and Kenny are sick and tired of being stuck in the middle of Kyle and Cartman's stupid fights. So like any good friends they hatch a plan to ensure the boys keep their cools around each other. That, or get their asses kicked in gym class every day for the rest of their lives. Kyman... Probably others.


**Hiya peoples! New story cause I was bored. Tell me if you like it and I should go on!**

**I dont own South Park or any of its characters.**

**This'll be rated T for now, mostly for swearing.**

**~GravyCraver**

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Shut up ya fuckin, Jew-rat!"

"Fuck off Cartman! You bigoted fat tub of shit!"

"DON'T CALL ME FAT YOU UPTIGHT FAGGY KIKE!"

"This is our chance, Stan." Kenny muttered so as the other two arguing boys couldn't hear him. Stan nodded, watching the shorter redhead poke the taller brunette in the chest with his thin, bony finger. The brunette retaliated by pushing the boy's shoulder and crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"I'm with you, bro." He put a reassuring hand on the blonde boy's shoulder and pulled out his cellphone.

"On three?" Kenny nodded, face racked with seriousness.

"One." He started

"Two." Stan continued.

"Three!" They shouted in unison, rushing from the doorway of the small room and taking their places. Kenny ran and slid on the carpet, falling directly behind the brunette and punching him behind both of his knees making him loose balance, while Stan ran up behind the redhead and pushed him forward into the brunette. Both boys fell in a heap onto the mattress behind them.

"STAN NOW!" Kenny shouted, still on the floor. The camera clicked and the raven stepped back.

"I got it!" Stan whispered, glee playing on his voice.

"Send it to me!" Kenny ordered.

"Okay." Stan said, urgently tapping the screen of his phone.

"What the fuck? Get the hell off me, Jew!" Cartman spat, pushing the shorter boy off his lap, making him fall backwards off the bed and onto the floor.

"OW! YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT THAT FUCKING HURT!" Kyle cried, rubbing his throbbing skull.

"It's perfect." Kenny gasped, glancing at his phone in awe.

"What?" Kyle asked innocently glancing at the boy's phone. Kenny turned and showed the picture to both boys, grinning proudly when they gawked at the visual in surprise. The redhead sat straddling Cartman, his hands pawing at the boy's chest and his mouth open in a silent cry while the brunette's face stared in a deer-caught-in-headlights sort of manner, eyes wide with surprise and facing directly into the camera, one hand on Kyle's thigh the other supporting his back.

"W-what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" Cartman shouted, pointing at the phone's screen.

"Evidence." Kenny answered, face stoic with seriousness.

"What?" Kyle asked, eyes furrowed in confusion. Stan pulled a sheet of folded notebook paper from his back pocket and cleared his throat.

"You two need to get along. It's a new year and a new stage in our lives. You two must toss aside your petty differences and learn to seek out the great qualities in the other and befriend one another." He passed Kenny the page.

"This photo is to commemorate your acceptance of the following conditions and terms of agreement." he read, eyes never leaving the paper as he held up his phone for both boys to see. "You Eric Cartman and Kyle Broflovski must become friends and stop bumming out everyone around you with your constant arguing. We know that it will be difficult at first and we are willing to grant you four- three minute long public verbal fight per month and one- five minute long public physical fight per month for the first three months of your agreement. Your one- five minute long physical fight a month can be traded in for two- three minute long verbal fights and your four- three minute verbal fights can be traded in for one- five minute physical fight. They may be used at any time. There are no roll overs and unused fights will not carry over to the next week and or month. If you two do not uphold the terms of this agreement this photo of you both in an easily misconstrued pose will be posted around the school and students will tease you and kick your asses in gym class. Are there any questions?" Kenny asked, handing the boys the paper to read over.

"Yes. I have one." Cartman mused, raising his hand politely. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?" Kenny sighed.

"We're tired of you two being dickheads to each other all the time because you two always make it hard on us, making us feel like we've got to pick sides and try to make excuses for you two buttholes when you piss off everyone else with your incessant fighting!" Stan nodded in agreement.

"It's annoying and if it takes is getting your asses handed to you by seniors in the boys locker room, we have no choice but to oblige."

"But Stan-" Kyle pleaded. Stan rose his hand to silence him.

"No but's Kyle. I'm doing this for your own good."

"Now you two sit in here and think about how you want to play this out. We'll call you when dinner's ready." Kenny stepped towards the door.

"You... You're a traitor, Stan!" Kyle shouted as Kenny ushered the boy out of the room.

"I HATE YOU STAN! I FUCKING HATE YOU!" He screamed finally as Kenny slammed the door shut. Stan stood outside the door, listening to the fit his superbestfriend was throwing and shivered. Kenny patted him on the shoulder.

"No he doesn't. He's just upset and confused." Stan shook his head.

"He called me a traitor and he hates me." The boy groaned, leaning against the wall and putting his face in his hands. "I can't take this! I can't be the bad guy, Ken! He needs me!"

"Be strong, Stan. They may be angry with us now. Hell, they might even hate us but remember its for their own good! We care about them and we just want what's best for them. We can't always let what they do slide." Stan glanced up at him, eyes watering over.

"He's my best friend, Kenny! I can't let him hate me!" Kenny sighed and sat on the floor beside him.

"You're his best friend, Stan. You can't let him be an annoying asshole all his life."

"You-you're right. It sucks balls but you're right." Stan groaned and threw his head back into his hands. Kenny smiled and rustled the boy's hair.

"It'll get better, you'll see."

~o~

"I'LL NEVER FORGIVE HIM FOR THIS!" Kyle shouted at the ceiling, turned on his heel and walked back.

"Jew, you need to calm the hell down." Cartman muttered, leaning back on the bed and watching the boy pace back and forth around the room like a caged animal.

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU STAN! YOU BACKSTABBER! YOU CHEAT! YOU FUCKING TRAITOR!" Kyle shouted angrily at the closed door.

"Khyle!" Cartman said louder, trying to gain the boy's attention.

"How could he do this to me? He's supposed to be my best friend. My superbestfriend! And now he's practically handing me over to the seniors? Why? WHY?" Cartman jumped off the bed and grabbed the zoning teen by the front of his shirt.

"GODDAMNIT KHYLE! GET A FUCKING GRIP!"

"What?"

"Calm the hell down and let's just think about this!" Cartman growled, throwing the boy onto the bed and sitting down beside him.

"Think about what? We're screwed! We're already freshman so they could kill us just for being alive! Now they're gonna think we're gay! We'll be murdered!" Kyle cried in dispair, rocking back and forth slightly and hugging himself.

"All we have to do is pretend to get along for a while. Three months they said." Cartman told the boy, calmly. Kyle's eyes shot to his.

"I CAN'T GET ALONG WITH YOU FOR THREE WHOLE MONTHS!"

"Why?"

"Because! You're a selfish, bigoted, fat asshole and I fucking hate you!" Kyle shouted, pointing at the boy's face.

"So?" Cartman shrugged, slapping the appendage from his line of vision.

"So what?" Kyle retaliated confused.

"Exactly." Cartman smirked and nodded. "You don't have to like me, just pretend like it in front of Kenny and Stan." Kyle gave this a thought.

"I don't know if I can." he answered truthfully.

"You can, Khyle. I believe in you." Cartman assured, voice sickly sweet with lies. Kyle scowled.

"And I believe that you're full of shit and you make my fucking skin crawl! And why does your face have to be like that?"

"What the hell's wrong with my face?" Cartman growled, dropping all sweetness in his voice.

"Nothing! It's just annoying! It's the epitome of all things asshole!" Cartman thought about this for a second before chuckling softly to himself.

"What the hell are you laughing at?"

"It's just- I think the same thing about your face." he laughed louder, pointing at the boy's scowling face.

"What?"

"I mean other than that big ass Jew nose, there's nothing really wrong with it. I just hate it cause it's yours." Kyle glanced around, determining whether he wanted to take that as a compliment or not. He rolled his eyes and looked away.

"My nose isn't that big."

"I guess it could be bigger considering how big of a Jew you are... But it's still pretty big." Cartman laughed and shrugged. "It was bigger when we were kids though."

"Yeah, I guess I'm growing into it. Looks better now." Cartman nodded in agreement.

"Like your Jewfro. It's not even really a fro anymore it's kinda soft lookin and bouncy."

"Really? I can't ever do anything with it. I mean it doesn't take heat and my natural curls look too damn Shirley Temple."

"Well, it's not bad. If you wore those things, like the kids on the basketball team. Those erm- what's it called..." Cartman snapped his fingers trying to remember. Kyle grabbed his backpack and pulled out a black plastic headband and held it out to the boy.

"Are you talking about somethin like this?"

"Yeah those things! They got some that're thinner with the little comb part that'll hold hair like yours. You push it outta your face and it'll look a little better cause how you've got it now just kinda swallows you." Kyle nodded in understanding.

"Or you could just put it in a ponytail." Cartman offered. Kyle waved him off.

"I can't do ponytails right. I always end up with a weird ball thing at the top of my head." Cartman scooted closer to him and grabbed the boy's soft red curls, bunching them all in his hand and gently running his fingers through the tangles.

"Gimmie your arm." Kyle absently raised his right arm, and let Cartman pull off one of the many brown rubber bands that slung around his wrists.

"There." Cartman said, letting the rubber band pop around Kyle's hair snugly but not too tight. Kyle stood up and glanced at himself in the mirror. The fatass was right. His hair looked nowhere near as big as before and actually appeared straight, that is until you saw the mess of tight small curls dangling on the other end of the rubber bands. But it looked... good.

"That doesn't look half bad, Cartman." Kyle chuckled in surprise. Cartman reclined once again on the bed and shrugged indifferently.

"Why don't you let your hair grow back out?" Kyle asked, sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed.

"No real reason. I just wouldn't feel like fuckin with it."

"I get you." Kyle nodded to himself. Cartman scoffed.

"You get me?"

"I mean yeah." Kyle assured. "You don't mind having relatively long hair but you don't want to be bothered with the maintenance. I get it. Hell, cut mine too if I wouldn't look like some weird lesbian leprechaun pixie thing. Short hair looks good on you." Cartman glanced at the boy who thankfully wasn't looking at him.

"Thanks?" He asked, confusion in his voice.

"No problem." Kyle shrugged. "Wanna watch Terrance and Phillip?"

"Yeah, why the hell not." He shrugged. Kyle clicked on the television and changed the channel.

Terrance? Could you come here please? Why yes, Phillip. Whatever could you need? FARTS. What does that one smell like Terrance? It smells like your mother's vagina, Phillip. AHAHAHAHAHA!

"Kewl~" Cartman chuckled.

Meanwhile on the other side of the bedroom door...

"This is weird dude." Stan muttered, peering into the room through the small crack in the door.

"Yeah. I'm starting to get creeped out." Kenny agreed, shivering. "But its- this is good, right?"

"I- I think so?" Stan looked over at the boy, questionably then peered back into the room. Both boys were laughing and Cartman had rolled over on his stomach and propped himself up on his forearms, watching the television. Both had grins plastered on their faces and the mood was calm. Stan closed the door and looked at Kenny. Both boys cringed and shivered.

"Creepy..." They muttered in unison.

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**Dont be strangers guys! Comment! Tell me what you think! :D**


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